Fat, Furious and Far from employment


So…Its been 6 months since my last entry. Not because i didn’t have anything to say. I just didn’t know how to answer my own questions. I had a lot of thoughts concerning my unemployment and my own body. I was angry and I still am angry. The difference is just always where you channel your own anger. So lets get started.

Being fat and unemployed. Does your appearance affect your ability to get a job. Yes and No. But let me get back to that. When you´re struggling to get work and you have a weight problem, you can´t always keep out the thoughts on how an potential boss may look at you when you walk into an interview. You´re nervous, so its easy to think that the smallest thing can jeopardize your chances of getting a job. I looked at myself and saw a lazy person with no self esteem and awful looking flat hair, who desperately needed a makeover and a personal trainer/coach to kick myself in the butt. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I had given up on my believe and dream of getting a job. I had tried for so long. Fighting my own inner battles while meeting the demands of the world around me to be super strong, energetic and with the ability to see beyond my own problems and actually think of others. And I was struggling to do just that. I couldn’t recognize myself. So I did what I always do. Ate to much chocolate, drank to much coca cola, zero of course. I was still trying to look after my body….Wake up Girl.
I was spending to many hours on my own within the 4 same walls, avoiding the world around me. I avoid talking to my parents, because its too damn hard to always being asked how I am and whats going on. Because nothing is changing. I’m still unemployed and I have never been completely comfortable showing my vulnerability to my parents. Always trying to be in control. I lost the control over my own employment and my body. On top of this. Still single. I was what I considered to be a nobody. Everybody around me has what I want: A job, financial security and a family of their own. I was bitter. I was angry. Why everybody else. Why not me. I felt like Jesus on the cross saying: “My God, My God, why have you abandoned me”. I was trying my best not to let my situation clutter the truth, I know about who God is, get damaged.  I wasn’t facing this every single hour of the day. I had periods of time, days, where I was good. But being unemployed is like being on an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes all you can do is to hang on and not throw up. I had been battling so many lies, trying to keep them at bay, but I was failing at that too.
Don´t get me wrong. I still do this. Habits don’t just disappear overnight, but your attitude can. Now you have a picture of the state i have been in for the last 2 years. I have been unemployed for 3,5 years, but my world started crumbling after 18 months, when I for real started to question if anybody would ever hire me. Let me get back to my question from earlier. Does appearance affect your ability to get work? I briefly answered Yes and No. Because it all depends on yourself. If you let your body weight get to you, and you believe that you´re a lesser person because of it. Its gonna effect the way you carry yourself. I have seen skinny people with no self esteem and I have seen fat people, who knew their own worth. My own self esteem is a thing that from time to time comes back to haunt me, for long is always up to me. Usually until the time I get pissed off and tell it to go to hell. Kicking your own ass from time to time is definitely something i will recommend, plus its fun. You can only control yourself, not the people across the green table and to be honest, if a future boss judges you based on your looks. You don’t want to work there anyway…Okay…we do…But it wont be fun…It will be an income, but I wouldn’t want that boss.

If you asked my former boss about my best qualities, He would say: Strong, proactive, independent, a leader, efficient, kind and good at reading other people. Being unemployed for so long, one by one I started to bury them. They are still a apart of who I am, but they have been put to sleep, right when I need them the most. But when you´re unemployed, you detach yourself from the world, because everybody asks how its going and the answers is just to painful to keep on repeating forever. So little by little you have excluded yourself from the people who could remind you of who you are. Pulling yourself up from the dirt is not easy when you have to do it over and over again, everytime you hit a concrete wall, which you do everytime you get THAT email, once again saying you didn’t get the job.  I may fall from time to time, but I always get back on my feet again. The only thing that really pisses me off, is that it would be easier to get a job if I where rich. Because the key to getting a job is network. But sometimes finding a network is not easy. They all cost money, which you don’t have and hiring a coach is expensive. My dream is to one day to be able to guide and coach people in my situation without money being a hindrance for the person in need of a job. I am lucky to have good friends around me to help me up when i fall so hard that its impossible to disguise. I´m very good at disguising my vulnerable side, in case you wondered. Don´t let the world tell you, that you don´t deserve getting a job. I´m happy that I have a masters degree, because No one can tell me that i´m not good enough for a job. I may not have all the skills required or enough experience. But I am always good enough. This has nothing to do with your or my own personality. Its not an attack on your person. Its just damn bad luck and for some parts a poor employment system. Because sometimes you just want someone to talk to and not a psychologist, but a coach. Its a system, where you have to look for things yourself, which is not easy all the time. Where do you find that non-major company that are in a position where they need more people. Network, Network, Network. The best thing to do, is to get out there. Sometimes you end up talking to a stranger at the library, who turns out to be someone who can connect you. But for the love of God. Keep trying, Don´t give up. And to hell with if your fat and have bad hair. You are not your body nor your hair. This has probably been one of the most brutally honest things I have ever written. I know there´s so many out there going through the same thing as I. So I just hope that this article will reach some of you and that it will remind you not to give up, but keep on fighting. Because if you´re hanging over a cliff, no one can help you up if you don’t fight. We are making it harder on the people around us to help us, if we don’t let them, and to let other people help: We need to fight for ourselves too.

Fight for your dreams or lose yourself

This week a lot of things have been going through my mind. Mostly about the choices we make in life. Do we choose life or death? Do we choose to believe all the negative thoughts and public opinion on people like us? Or do we choose to believe who we truly are, who we are capable of becoming? Do we give up on our dreams just because we believe what could be the worst case scenario.
Recently i subscribed to Sandi Krakowski´s email list. One email really caught my attention. In her email she asks:

“How many times have you asked yourself, What if it does work?”

She talks about how humans have a tendency to prepare for failure, because we try to protect ourselves from disappointment and to avoid expecting to much out of our lives. This makes me think of another quote:

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained”

Its so easy to prepare for failure. We tell ourselves that its only logical to prepare for if things go wrong or we might be off worse than when we started. But ask yourself this:

“What if it works? What if my dream come true?”

Are we gonna fight for what we want, even if we fail or are we just gonna give up before we ever tried.

I have been unemployed for 3 years – I know how it feels like when you at the same time are giving up and still trying to fight. I never understood “Giving up”. Let me explain.
My life hasn’t always been easy. From early on learned how to fight. At my confirmation I was given a text from a psalm. It basically said:

“Fight for all that you have dear, die if you have to”

That has been like a prophetic word over my life. I was born a fighter. Learned that if I don’t fight, I wont succeed. I’ve been blessed with some good people in my life who believed in me, who pushed me to fight for my dreams. We always think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence until we get over there and look a bit closer. I’m not perfect. I have been struck down, fallen on many occasions. But every time I pulled myself up. Most of the time with help from friends. Never underestimate the importance of friendship. You might be strong, but we are only as strong as the people we surround ourselves with. No man´s an Island! If we try to walk through life thinking we don’t need nobody else, we´re wrong. That is not living, that is survival. We may survive for a bit, but the longer we choose to live without friends the more we lose ourselves.

So bottom line – You don’t know if you will get to live your dream if you never tried. Do what you have to. Spread the word. Who knows whats gonna happen. Use every resources – your friends, the internet, anybody in your network – But do it. Try to make it happen. What if you succeed. What if you get to live your dream or what if you end up somewhere you never dream of, but that is way better than what you ever could have dreamed of. So tell me, what´s your dream?